


Commander Ding Dong

by efrondeur



Category: RWBY
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Crack, Established Relationship, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I'm just sorry, M/M, Memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:06:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8015185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efrondeur/pseuds/efrondeur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has an A.I. dick. Need I say more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Commander Ding Dong

**Author's Note:**

> Listen. I don't know what this is. I'm just as confused as you are. Blame everyone. And someone please just set me on fire.

James and Qrow had been together for a long time. Long enough that they had gotten married, but the author doesn’t want to say how long, because that just means more work, and the author is very, _very_ lazy.

However, Qrow was laying on the bed, achingly hard after James had stopped in the middle of a blow job. Long story short, James’ peenor was working against him, and he had to go into the bathroom in hopes to make it cooperate.

Which is why he found himself, stark naked, locked in the cold bathroom, quietly yelling at his diddly doo, while Qrow was left lying on the bed.

“C’mon, work with me,” pleaded James.

“I have a name. Use it,” said the robotic voice coming from his penis.

James honestly could not understand what in his life lead him to be in this situation. Well, he could, and being in the Atlesian military had a pretty large role in it, but this was such a regular occurrence that he had no idea why he hadn’t dealt with this sooner.

“Oh my god, okay. _Commander_ , work with me. Please,” said James, annoyance clear in his voice.

“That is Mr. Commander to you, General,” said Commander. God, it was so fucking loud too.

“Shh! Qrow is gonna hear us,” hissed James.

“That is a problem for you, not me.”

“Holy fucking shit, I’m not going to have an argument with _my johnson_ right now.” James looked up from where his metal tater tot hung limp.

“Yes, I believe you are.”

“Look, Comman― _Mr._ Commander,” said James with a sigh, “the only reason you exist is to help me tinkle and get hard. The only reason you were given a voice is because they couldn’t figure out how to take it out of you.”

“Wow, rude. I guess your life is about to suck a whole lot more right now.”

James let out a huff of annoyance. Whoever gave him the biggest shithead on the planet for an AI for his wangie is about to find themselves neck deep in lawsuits.

“James?” called Qrow from the bedroom. “Did you fall in or what?”

“No, no,” said James far too quickly. “I’m good, just trying to…get my game face on.”

Great job James, great cover. High five.

“Uh, okay? Well, if you don’t hurry up, I’m just gonna finish by myself.”

“Alright, just, uh, give me two secs.”

“Well, I was going for just one sex, but I’m down for two,” said Qrow with a laugh.

James shook his head fondly, chuckling. “Shut up.”

James returned to his argument with his metal eel―wow, what was happening to his life?

“What do you want, Mr. Commander?”

“I want to not be a phallus.”

“Well that’s not possible, choose something else.”

“I want to not be attached to a stupid motherfucker.”

James stepped back, appalled, but Commander moved with him… James forgot about the whole, y’know, _literal attached inches from the hip_ thing.

“Okay. Look, you piece of shit, I graduated top of my class. And also, if you want to be technical, it’s more like fatherfucker, and…what the fuck, why am I trying to stand up for myself against my mighty noodle? Alright, no. You’re going to get hard, and I’m going to bang my bangin’ husband.”

“‘Banging husband’? Where is your make-out husband? Hand-holding husband?” quipped the stupid, dumb, idiotic, dunce of a steel beam.

“I’m going to melt you.”

“Don’t use jet fuel.”

“ _Stop_.”

“ _No_.”

James sighed. “Look-,”

“I cannot see.”

“-there’s got to be something, _within reason_ , that I can give or do for you. What is it?”

“Clean me in grapefruit juice,” said Commander, as if it were the most casual thing in the world.

“ _What?!_ ”

“You heard me, General.”

“ _Why?_ ”

“It is what I want. Clean me in grapefruit juice and then I will get hard.”

James covered his face with his right hand. What had he done to deserve this? Honestly.

“Fine. Once Qrow’s asleep I’ll clean you in… in grapefruit juice.”

“No.”

James is definitely going to melt this fucking asshole―er, dick. He ran his hand down his face, almost unable to restrain himself from yelling. Almost. “ _You said you wanted to be cleaned in grapefruit juice_.”

“I want to be cleaned before you do the diddle with Qrow.”

“What? I’ll have to go to the store. Plus, what’s even the point? You’ll just get dirty again.”

“Not my problem.”

“It’ll be your problem when I rip you off and run you over with my car,” growled James.

“I am not the one who wants to stick my fiddle into my husband, who, by the way, is right outside the door, waiting for you, so you better make this quick.”

“ _No_.”

“Well fine then. No sexy times with Qrow for you.”

“Fine. I can just finish blowing him,” said James with a smirk. If his butt destroyer thought it was about to get the best of him, it was about to get a huge fucking wake-up call.

“ _Ever_ .” _Fuck_. Alright. Time for the death threat.

“Oh, trust me, you’re gone before there will ever be a next time.”

“Exactly how long do you think it takes to get fitted for a new robotic worm? They don’t exactly have extras laying around, General.”

And, yep, James lost. Time for more pleading.

“If you get hard now, I’ll do another thing, just tell me what.”

Commander was silent for a moment.

“Hello?” said James, giving his weeping willow a tap.

“Make Qrow call you Commander in bed.”

James sat down on the lid of the toilet seat, and put his face in his hands.

“Why?” asked James with a sigh. He was so done.

“He always screams your name in bed. I feel left out. And either way, I am the one who is hard and you are the one talking all the credit.”

“I… How am I even supposed to do that?”

“That is for you to figure out.”

“Alright, I’ll do it. Can you please get hard now?”

“I will consider it.”

“ _Commander_.” James was fully prepared to tear the worthless piece of scrap metal off of him when it let out the weirdest honking noise.

“...What the fuck was that?”

“I was laughing. I made a joke. I will now start to harden.”

James looked up at the ceiling of the bathroom, praying to anything to free him from this hell.

“One-hundred percent stiff. Go fuck Qrow.”

“Thanks for your permission,” mumbled James.

He got up from his spot on the toilet and made his way to the door. He gripped commander with his left hand as he opened the door with his right.

“Hey, babe…” James’ voice trailed off as he saw Qrow lying on the bed, fast asleep. His bugle had gone flaccid already. Had he really been in there that long?

James let out a long sigh.

“Where is my grapefruit juice?” asked Commander.

“You’re not getting it; I didn’t get to fuck Qrow.”

“Zero percent stiff,” said Commander. James looked down to see it was flaccid yet again. “A deal was made, General, and it must be upheld.”

“But the terms changed,” said James, pointedly.

“I do not care. Juice and next bang-a-rang Qrow will scream ‘Commander’, or I will never be hard again.”

“I’m going to fucking murder you.”

“James?” came Qrow’s voice, low and slow with sleep. James started a little before he realized it was Qrow. “Who’re you talkin’ to?”

James let out a small sigh. “No one, hun, go back to sleep.”

Qrow closed his eyes, but raised his arm and motioned for James to join him. “Wanna cuddle with you.”

A small smile graced James’ face. In the dim light of the room, Qrow looked so peaceful and content, with a small yellow-orange glow tracing his body. It was hard to tell that James had left him hanging when he had to go have a fight with his own personal baguette. Wait, did he get himself off? He was far too blissed out.

James looked his body over, checking for any… signs that Qrow jerked himself off. Not seeing any… come, okay? He was looking for come. Not seeing any, he walked over to the bed. He sat down and brought his legs up, shifting Qrow so he could lay down. Once settled, he pulled Qrow over and on top of him.

Qrow hummed and buried his nose into the crook of James’ neck, bringing his hand up to draw shapes onto the metal of his chest. James wrapped his arms around Qrow, dropping a kiss into his hair.

“What took ya so long?” asked Qrow.

“I, uh,” _Think, James_. “I had to take a massive shit.” James sighed internally, very disappointed in himself.

“Well. Alright.” Qrow laughed. “Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.”

It was James’ turn to laugh.

Qrow pressed a kiss to James’ neck and hummed.

“‘Night, Jimmy.”

James’ arms tightened around Qrow. “Goodnight Qrow. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Once Qrow’s breathing evened out, Commander decided to it’s two cents were worth voicing. “You two should get a room.”

James rolled his eyes. “You die tomorrow.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love, just please don't question me about this.
> 
> [My tumblr](http://qrowisbae.tumblr.com)


End file.
